Awake and Anxious

Again, I find myself awake at night. Heavy cheast. Heart pounding. Non stop thinking. 

I think a lot laying in bed. It is like my brain will not stop. I think about any mistake I made today and every mistake i could make tomorrow. 

Tonight I will be surprised if I get an hour of sleep before work tomorrow. 

I learned that yes sick days are needed (for mental health too) but that some days you just need to push through. 

Tonight, this is not a panic attack. It ia a regular worry. If it was a panic attack I would feel much worse. 

This could have been a panic attack. I made a phone call instead. I called my trusted friend to help me through and calm me to this level. The level I can deal with. One, that even though tired, I will be able to go to work with. 

Tomorrow will be a push through day for me. I will be tired. But not exhausted. 

My goal, is to not let my anxiety run me. It is unreal how hard it is. Knowing my friend is a call and if needed a cab ride away is helpful. The little purrs of my cats are helpful. 

I have been doing my best to be positive and use that to knock the anxiety down. It is hard but I am feeling a push forward. 

Back and Forth

I have to hand it to my friends, they are very patient with me. I should also add in understanding and supportive. 

I constantly back and forth on plans. Sitting at home with the cats I miss my friends. I will make plans. Then the time comes and something in me says no. 

My chest will start to feel the pressure I get when my anxiety hightens and then I inevitably cancel. 

Every now and then I can push myself to go visit them and overcome the feeling. 

I was appologizing frequently to my friends for cancelling or basically falling off the face of the earth. Again, I am very fortunate to have the friends I do. 

A few of my friends have told me to stip appologizing. I did not understand it intol one of them put it very clearly. 

If my legs were broken and could not get myself out of bed I would not be appologizing. So, why am I appologizing for another medical condition I cannot help?

That was when I decided to stop sayinh sorry for it. Instead, I say "thank you". Thank them for understanding, thank them for letting me take time for me, thank them for being there and listening. 

It's okay to stay home and it is okay to have days to yourself. I try to not segregate myself and try to not feel guilt. 

Take the time you need for you. It may not be easy, but, your mental health is jusy as important as your physical health. 

-Jordyn 

Tiny Soul Savers

Pending allergies, if you have anxiety I fully recommend a pet. 

I will never be able to fully explain the gratitude I feel for my tiny little soul saving cats. 

Through every up and down I have had they have been a constant for me. They sense the panic or sadness and stick by my side. 

Their sweet little purrs and faces make all the difference when having a bad day or an episode. Even when your anxiety or illness is making you feel alone, they do not. 

Eternally grateful. 

-Jordyn

Open Diary of an Anxious Person

After much consideration I have decided to have an open "diary" if you will regarding my daily struggle with anxiety. 

I have always been an anxious person but in recent years it has increased. 

It is a scary thing, a lonely thing, a frustrating thing, and it is me. I think it will be good to not only het my thoughts out but to have it out here for others going through their life with anxiety or other mental disorders. 

I plan to include not only how things are going on the regular but any tips I find or articles I have come across. I am lucky to have understanding friends and a supportive boyfriend. I know it cannot be easy for them either so I want to try to include insight for them as well. 

Hopefully this can help those of you who read it. 

-Jordyn